Stiff Upper Lip, Girls!
by Hrover
Summary: Trashy romance novels, travelling salesmen, rampaging demons. The perfect ingredients for a mildly amusing romantic comedy.
1. Chapter 1

"No, I'm sorry. But we're really not interested in what you're selling." said the girl by the door.

Emerald coiffed and emerald clad (not to mention emerald haired!) ,the young lady was truly a pleasing sight to behold. The very picture of youth and beauty, her face alone would be able to launch, if not quite a thousand, then at least twenty to thirty ships.

The salesman, however, had eyes only for the green of her money. His had been a hard, difficult life in the Asgardian Theocracy, with its unforgiving winters and its uncaring rulers. It was only with great difficulty that he had managed to get this job, as a travelling salesman working the Rivieran Continent.

Well, he couldn't complain, he was doing quite well. But as he walked away from the front door which the young girl had just recently closed, he couldn't help but feel that he needed to work on his sales pitch.

Perhaps he should have mentioned that his products were only made from the finest imported wool? Perhaps he should have mentioned that they were all the rage in Asgard? Perhaps he should have pointed out how well they would go with the young girl's clothes?

Perhaps, he should also have mentioned that Hrover did not in fact, own Riviera; The Promised Land.

Perhaps.

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Fia was miffed.

Elendia had recently been hit by a plague of door to door salesmen. The persistent individuals had swamped the village soon after the defeat of Hector. The Asgardian businessmen, upon realizing that Riviera was not longer going to be destroyed, soon had the continent covered with packs of travelling salesmen. It was capitalism at it's very finest.

Fia however, was not impressed. Strange men had tried to sell her everything from accordions to zeppelins. One particularly shady character had even offered to sell her what he claimed was a powerful love potion.

Fia flushed slightly as she fingered the delicate little bottle nestled deep in her left pocket. Of course, she had only bought it because she liked the bottle.

Of course.

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Cierra, on the other hand, was thrilled.

Her recent commercial adventures had resulted in the acquisition of six new hats, two classy broomsticks, and one rotting wooden stick which, according to the nice salesman, was _really_ a powerful magic staff.

Earlier that day, the Scarlet Witch had added to her pile of purchases a veritable mountain of paperback novels. The shady-looking salesman had been willing to sell her the books in exchange for a few spare potions she had found lying around.

She was currently entrenched deep in a comfortable armchair, with a hot drink in one hand and a trashy romance novel in the other.

**_Passion's Embrace_**, a timeless tale of forbidden love, of the conflict between desire and tradition, of responsibility versus freedom. A tale which shows that true love conquers all.

In other words, it was a badly written romance novel, where the sole purpose of the plot was to get the two main characters into awkward and compromising situations, through which they finally profess their love for one another through the use of overly mushy, hopelessly flowery dialogue in the final chapter.

It was, in fact, a story exactly like the one you're reading now.

**_Passion's Embrace_**, described by the AsGuardian as "Absolute nonsense.", by the Times as "Trollop." and by countless other critics simply as "Argh! My eyes!"

Naturally, Cierra loved every word of it.

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Three things sell Riviera fanfiction: Angst, romance, and Serene. So it is without further ado that the author introduces Serene, most wondrous of characters. Serene, last of the Arcs, sole survivor of Rosalina.

Oh Serene, 'twas a fine, fine day when I first met you in Lacrima.

Bloody hell...I _am_ a fanboy...

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We find the Arc seated in the Grove of Repose. Not for her the charms of the city, not for her the call of the sea. Having lived for a decade and a half under the oppressing shadow of Lacrima Castle, the Arc was pleasantly surprised by the natural beauty of the Elendian landscape.

Today, however, Serene had eyes for neither the grass at her feet nor the clouds in the sky. Her mind was preoccupied with thoughts about a certain land-bound angel.

Not _romantic_ thoughts, oh no, of course not.

They were just...friends.

But for some reason she couldn't stand the thought of Ein being simply a friend. And yet neither could she accept the notion that they might be something more...

Faced with these inexplicable feelings and unwanted thoughts, it would come as no surprise to the reader that Serene was confused and unhappy. And thus she decided to cope with it the only way she knew how.

She got angry.

Flying high above the Elendian countryside, the short-tempered Arc carefully scanned the surrounding land for any sign of a demonic presence.

She spotted a pack of hell-hounds not a kilometre away from the village. Since the defeat of the Accursed, demons had grown rare in number. But each one of those demons was still a force to be reckoned with. Vicious, deadly fiends spawned in the darkest pits of hell.

Gripping her heavy scythe with both hands, Serene flew directly towards the demons, intent on slicing each and every one of them into two or more pieces.

Dark agents of evil they might be, but the demons never stood a chance

Hell hath no fury like a woman's wrath.

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**Author's Note**

Ha! This lousy chapter is finally done! I started this two weeks ago, with tons of ideas for the plot and numerous nice phrases at my disposal. Then Procrastination reared its ugly head, and unlike Fia, my resolve suffered defeat after crushing defeat.

But no matter. Check back soon (but not _too_ soon) for the next chapter, in which something _actually_ happens! In the meantime, I would appreciate it if you'd take the time to give me a review as well.


	2. Chapter 2

_They first met at the Annual Grand Ball held at the Hotel Vanaheim. _

_Fernando Durand. A simple waiter, penniless and plebeian, doomed to spend his days serving foie gras and caviar while he himself subsisted on simple bread and water. _

_She, on the other hand, was beautiful, rich, and socially acceptable. Esmeralda St Claire, daughter of the Count de Rien._

_Naturally, it was love at first sight. Meeting his eyes as he passed her the Crème de Chicken, she knew at once that he was the One. That he was her knight in shining armour, her William wearing Wondrous Watches, her Tom till Time's Termination, her Dick in Dashing Dress. She knew at once that he was her Romeo, her Tristan, her Cruise, her Di Caprio, her Beckham._

_But, alas, alack, their love was not to be, for who could forget that she was already betrothed to another! Who could forget that her father had promised her hand to the sinister Lord Hrover, who, it was rumoured, did not own Riviera - The Promised Land..._

Cierra closed her copy of **_Passion's Embrace _**with a sigh.

Classy hotels. Star-crossed lovers. Sinister villains, Cheesy dialogue.

Really, the book was just getting better and better.

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The chapter begins with the dawn of a new day. As the first rays of the rising sun begin their eight-minute journey towards the Rivieran continent, we turn our attention to the small village of Elendia.

Here, Fia and Serene, our pair of attractive young ladies, busy themselves with their morning preparations.

For Fia, her morning toilette began with the brushing of teeth, followed by a quick shower and ending with our heroine exchanging her pyjamas for an uncomfortable dress.

As a direct result, Serene's morning ritual consisted mainly of getting very angry and shouting a lot.

This particular morning was no different. The casual observer, taking a glance at the second floor of the small house owned by Fia and Lina, would have been greeted by the sight of a half-dressed Arc pounding furiously on a wooden door.

Serene...Half-dressed...

No. We **shouldn't** go there.

"What the heck are you doing inside!?" yelled the typically incensed Serene, her left fist beating a resounding tattoo on the bathroom door. "I've been standing out here for ten bloody minutes!!"

The object of her frustrations was at the moment enjoying a nice warm bath, totally oblivious to the raging emotions of the above mentioned Arc.

Naturally the girls were glad when Fia had installed a bathroom in the house, glad that the long walk to the spring could be avoided, glad that they would no longer have to worry about the unwanted attentions of a particular wayward angel.

But, as any person with either siblings or a room-mate can attest, the introduction of a single bathroom into a household of four comes with its own, unique set of problems.

"Dammit Fia! Are you done or not!?"

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Half an hour later, the two girls were happily seated around the dinner table, enthusiastically attacking their morning meal with their usual gusto.

That is to say, Fia was eating, while Serene seemed to derive more pleasure by simply staring bleary eyed at her asparagus and celery.

Yes, you read that right, asparagus and celery.

See what happens when you let a vegetarian make breakfast?

To Fia's credit, there was nothing wrong with her cooking. On the contrary, the asparagus was absolutely _amazing_, and the celery was as palatable as a lump of sawdust.

Which, for celery, is perfection indeed.

None of this however, mattered to Serene. The nutritional value of the vegetables was lost on her. In her opinion, if getting vitamins and minerals involved the eating of horrid tasting plants, then she'd rather do without them. It was a dirty trick, she felt, to spring vegetables on a person so early in the day.

Especially a day such as this.

Still...Fia _was _her friend, and would undoubtedly feel extremely hurt if Serene were to bin the greens.

In addition, her traitorous stomach was doing an accurate impersonation of an angry dog, growling loud enough to wake the **dead**.

And so that was how the Grim Angel Ledah came back to life...

...Just kidding.

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While Serene and Fia are ingesting veggies, let us turn our attention to the hero of our story, namely Ein, who was at this moment having a most interesting experience.

_He was outside the Undine Spring._

_Ein grinned, he had many fond memories of the Spring, most of them involving scantily dressed women and high powered weapons. Today promised the former, for the angel thought he could hear laughter and voices coming from the spring. _

_Adopting a panther's crouch, Ein made his way slowly but steadily towards a clump of grass near the water, where he knew from previous inspections he could remain well hidden, and thus pursue his voyeuristic hobbies to his heart's (or should it be his groin's?) content. _

See, Ein **does** learn from his mistakes.

_Stealthily arriving at his intended destination, Ein silently parts the grass in his hands, the better to see. Peering out into the pool, our resident Peeping Tom prepares himself for the sight of..._

_Ledah dancing naked in the pool?_

_Serene and Fia swimming in the nude?_

_Hector in an orange bikini?_

_Aye, for better or worst, for good or bad, we will soon find out..._

"Ein! Wake up! Wake up! Wakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeup!!!"

_Huh? What?_

OOF!

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At this point, the author feels it necessary to step in and justify some of Lina's actions. For yes, indeed, it was Lina who had so rudely roused Ein from his slumber. Lina, who, by jumping on his stomach, had robbed Ein of the last precious seconds of his god sent dream.

However, you mustn't think so badly of Lina. She is not so crass as to make this an everyday occurrence. She is not so unbalanced that she assaults people for fun and profit.

Far from that. On normal days she was innocence personified, doing nothing that might cause comment. As Fia was wont to say:

"Lina doesn't even do housework..."

Today however, was far from an ordinary day. Today-

"Rise and shine Ein! We're having a party today!"

A sleepy "Huh?" was all Ein could supply, he was feeling slightly overwhelmed by Lina, who seemed to be in a state of excitement normally unattainable without five kilograms of sugar.

"Don't you remember? Today's Serene's birthday! We're having a party!"

"What!?" cried Ein.

Needless to say, he had totally forgotten.

* * *

**Author's Note**

This looks bad, I know...strange dreams, birthday parties, forgetful male lead, all the stuff you saw last week in Ye Olde Generic Teenage Romance Movie. But rest assured, Originality **will** be making the _occasional_ cameo appearance.

Thanks goes out to everyone who bothered to give me a review. I really appreciate it, and I hope all you readers will keep those reviews coming.


	3. Chapter 3

Birthdays...

To some of us they are a time of joy and laughter. A time where the entire extended family gathers to celebrate the wonder that is life. A opportunity for us to give thanks for the chance to live another year. For these people a birthday is a sign of growth and maturity. A sign of empowerment and responsibility.

Now, that is all well and good. But for the rest of us, the sole purpose of that one special day happens to be-

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"Presents!" cried Lina, rubbing her hands in glee.

At the present moment, she was engaged in the wrapping of birthday gifts, an activity which she particularly enjoyed. And she was good at it too, in the whole of Riviera there was no Demon, Sprite or Angel quite half as good as her. Hrover would

But well, it was really quite easy really. None too difficult. You simply spread the wrapping paper like_ so. _Then you placed the gift right about _there_. First fold _here_, then a little tape _there. _Nothing to it really. Why, even a concussed hamster could have done it.

_Fold. Fold. Fold. Tape._

"Serene's really going to like my present!" she thought to herself.

_Fold. Fold. Fold. Tape._

"It's better than Fia's and Cierra's and CoCo's and Ein's and..."

_Fold. Fold. Fold. Tape._

Hmm...she wondered how Ein was getting on. The angel had rushed out of the house directly after breakfast, with no explanation whatsoever as to his intended destination.

_Fold. Fold. Fold. Tape._

Lina stopped and inspected her work. It seemed to be missing something...

"A ribbon! Lina forgot the ribbon!"

From a pocket in her dress she extracted a long, bright red strip of cloth, and proceeded to tie it on the gift.

_Right over left, left over right, double back and...pull. _

There, all done.

The end result was a flawlessly gift-wrapped bundle, complete with a striking red ribbon, which really complemented the colour of the wrapping paper.

Lina sat back, feeling that warm fuzzy feeling that came with the knowledge of a job well done. It was perfectly gift-wrapped, really. You could say it was too perfect. It was doubtful if anyone could bring themselves to damage such a work of art.

And yet, the one thing that Lina enjoyed more than wrapping presents, was opening them.

Even if it was a present she herself had just wrapped.

_Rip. Tear. Pull. _

_Giggle._

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At this very moment, a dark haired teenager is moving quickly thorough the streets of Elendia. He moves with practised stealth, his every movement tinged with angelic grace. He has spent much time and effort perfecting his technique, but for every trip he takes to the Undine Springs his efforts are rewarded in full.

Mostly by visions of nubile young women. But we needn't go into that now.

Following closely behind this enigmatic youngster is a small dark animal, clearly feline in appearance, but possessing a pair of jet-black wings not normally found in members of the Felidae family.

The pair finally arrive at a deserted street corner, where they decide to stop for a quick rest. After a few seconds of vigorous panting, the mouse-chasing half of our duo decides to pose, in the politest of fashions, a question which had been troubling her for some time.

"Ein," she began. "Just where the hell are we going!?"

The boy just smiles, shakes his head, and runs on.

"Idiot." mutters Rose, irritation and frustration blooming in equal quantities within her.

But she follows him anyway. As she always has, and always will.

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The fields of Elendia are lush and green. In them abound a large variety of flowering plants, some of them edible, many of them poisonous, and all of them a sight to behold. Scattered in their thousands throughout the land's pristine meadows, the wild flowers turn the otherwise dreary countryside into a vibrant mix of colour and life.

The abundant Rivieran countryside is home to thousands upon thousands of living creatures, ranging in variety from the tiny ant to the lively sparrow. Although they are vastly different in size and appearance, in the end each and every one of them are after the same things. Sustenance, shelter, safety, sex and survival, the ultimate aims of all living creatures.

_It is through theses fields that Ein leads his loyal familiar, over hill and mound, across river and rock, through dark forests and gloomy caves. On and on they travel, without rest or respite. Through blistering winds and searing heat, enduring biting frost and stinging hail. Facing bandits, demons, warlocks, liches, bears, hamsters and all sorts of nast-_

"Rose, shut up already, we're almost there."

_Lo! Finally after their long arduous journey, the angel Ein and his brilliant familiar arrive at their intended destination! Long have they waiting for this day. Far have they marched, and great has been their suffer-_

"Look, it's only been an hour, so quiet down and come help me with this." Ein gestures to a clump of bushes. In which he had hidden a small wooden chest the month before.

_Rose! Oh Rose! Her master cried,_

"_I require assistance with a box"_

_But the spark of love in Rose had died,_

_And her master was struck with the pox._

For a cat, Rose could be a real bitch.

Turning his attention back to the matter at hand, he extracted from his pocket a tiny iron key.

"_Treasure! Treasure!" says her master,_

_In his hand an iron key._

_The gold and gems he grabs the faster,_

_Leaving not a coin for me._

Unlocking the chest, Ein takes form it a rusty metal loop, on which is attached numerous keys of various sizes and shapes.

_A year! A year! A year we have travelled,_

_Over mountain and dangerous sea,_

_Fear! Fear! Great fear we have battled,_

_For the sake of a stupid key!_

"Come on, the final chest is right over there." Ein says, pointing at a small clearing surrounded by a horde of thorn bushes.

_A bush of thorns in our path stands,_

_Here, I think,our journey ends._

Ignoring his familiar, Ein plunges headlong into the bushes, heedless of their sharp points. Although cut and badly scratched, he manages to reach the clearing in record time.

Once there, he is greeted by the unfamiliar sound of...silence.

Looking around, he spots Rose, the very tip of her tail the only part of her visible above the prickly bushes.

"I wonder why she isn't saying anything...cat got her tongue?"

Obviously, Ein has no idea what an unforgivable sin he has committed by making that pun. In the more civilised countries, he would have been hung, drawn, and quartered. However, as it were, he goes unpunished.

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With a final pull of her strong jaws, Rose yanks the thorn out of her paw, giving herself temporary relief from the pain. Temporary that is, until she takes her next step. She was really going to have to make herself some healing salve when she got back.

Author, poet, familiar, historian, pet, potion tester, and now amateur apothecary. Was there anything she couldn't do?

Truly, she was a Rose among thorns.

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**Author's Note**

I'm not much of a poet, but hopefully I didn't screw up too badly.

Thanks, everyone, for all the review you've sent in, once again, I really appreciate it. Sorry for taking so long to update, hopefully it won't happen again.


	4. Chapter 4

_"Esmeralda! O fair maiden, come down from your perch and meet me!"_

_"Fernando! Fernando! My glorious Fernando! I descent from my tower to meet thee!"_

_"Esmeralda! Esmeralda! I love thee as a flower loves the light! As the snow loves the mountains! As the owl loves the night!"_

_"Oh Fernando! My Fernando, words alone cannot express my love for you!"_

_"Esmeralda!"_

_"Fernando!"_

_"Esmeralda!"_

_"Fernando!"_

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It wasn't a pleasant task, but someone had to do it.

The thought ran through Fia's head as she carried the sordid mass of garbage to the door.

Technically, taking out the trash was Ein's responsibility, but he had left earlier that morning and hadn't yet returned. The bin was full to overflowing, and Fia hated the sight of it. It was like a fetid, loathsome blight on the pristine elegance of her spotless home. Removing it wouldn't be a pleasant task, but someone had to do it.

That someone was her, of course. She was not one to shirk her duty. It was her damned sense of responsibility that had prevented her from living the quiet life she desired, compelling her to go rushing out, addressing every wrong.

Care for a strange boy? Someone had to do it. Expedition to Rosalina? Someone had to do it. Seal the Accursed? Someone had to do it. Save the world? Well, someone had to do it.

Not that she minded, no, she was proud of her accomplishments. And it wasn't like she had lost anything. Quite the opposite, in fact, her life had been greatly enriched by the friends she had made on the quest.

Lacrima had brought her Serene. Headstrong and volatile, the Arc had nevertheless been a comforting presence in her life.

From Nelde had come Cierra. Calm and composed, she was a rock in times of trouble.

But, above all, the quest had given her...Ein.

Ein, who never made his bed. Ein, who never wiped his shoes. Ein, who never put the toilet seat down and ate too much at dinner. Ein, who peeked when she was bathing and never got her jokes.

Being in love with him was not a pleasant task, but...

Someone had to do it.

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Rose sat and silently watched her master scrape at the earth with his bare hands. He had managed to dig a reasonably large hole, and showed no signs of stopping.

"Aren't you going to help?" he asked.

Rose answered with an irritated shake of her head. She might only be a familiar, but he had no call to be treating her like a dog.

"Fine." Ein replied, and they lapsed back into silence.

Suddenly, Ein reached down into the small pit he had dug and dragged out an unassuming iron box, it's lid secured with a sturdy looking padlock.

Rose's eyes widened in surprise. Things, she felt, were getting slightly out of hand.

"What's in that one? Not more keys, I hope?"

"No, this one's the real thing." Taking out the keys he had recently obtained, Ein inserted one into the padlock, and attempted to turn it. He didn't succeed.

"Hm...not this one then. Let's try another key." Ein tried another key, but that one didn't work either.

Rose looked at the massive horde of keys nestled on her master's keyring. It appeared that she was in for a long wait...

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_And there arrived a great white stallion, its hooves shod with shoes of gold. Astride the stallion rode the brave knight, clad in his shining armour, every piece a dazzling credit to the blacksmith's craft._

_In his left hand, a shield, in his right, a sword shaped like an arcing thunderbolt, so sharp it cut the very air in twain. _

_Bravely did he face the dragon. Though it clawed and flamed he remained unharmed, and with one swing of his mighty blade he parted its head from its body, thus slaying the fearsome beast._

_And with his gentle hands did Ein lift her unto his horse, and together they rode triumphantly into the sunset..._

Fia stood in the middle of her living room, lost in her day-dreams, rubbish bin still held in her hands.

Fia sighed. A romantic at heart, but realistic of thought, Fia knew that her fantasies were just that. Fantasies, with little or no chance of ever coming to pass.

Still...a girl could dream, could she not?

Sighing wistfully, Fia hugged the bin close to her body, closing her eyes to enjoy a moment of pure frivolity.

Only when she opened them again did she notice the large brown cockroach staring back at her.

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"AAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!!!"

A piercing scream rang through the house, startling Cierra and causing her to drop the book she had until recently been so absorbed in.

What was going on? Was it an invasion? Was it murder? Was the house on fire?

No...it couldn't be. She didn't remember casting any spells recently.

"AAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!!" came the scream again, followed by a metallic clang and the sound of running feet. It sounded like it was coming from the living room!

Pausing long enough to pick up her wand, Cierra rushed downstairs, nearly breaking her neck on the steps, and arrived at the living room with her staff battle ready, prepared for demons, vampires, zombies and all manners of vile demonkin.

Instead, she found Fia cowering behind the sofa, staring fearfully at an overturned garbage can, its contents spilling out onto the otherwise clean floor.

Fia's eyes were glazed with fear and shock, and she was trembling so badly her outline was nothing but a blur.

"There's...there's...there's a cockroach in the house!!!" screamed the terrified girl.

"What? That's it? All this fuss over a bug?" Cierra was annoyed, but tried hard not to show it.

"You don't understand! It was huge! It tried...it tried to jump on me!!" Fia shuddered, remembering the loathsome feel of the insect scuttering along her arm.

She pointed to the heap of trash, where, sure enough, a pair of antennae could be seen. Clearly, the roach was buried deep in the heap.

"If you want, I can get rid of it for you." offered Cierra, eager to return to her book.

"Yes! Please! I don't want it running loose in the house!" Gratitude and admiration flashed in Fia's eyes, Cierra was very brave if she was going remove the cockroach. Fia herself could not even contemplate going near the pile of garbage, much less rooting around for the bug.

But when she saw Cierra lift up her staff and point it at the bug, Fia knew that she had made a big mistake.

"Cierra, what're you doi-" Fia was cut off by a shout from the Scarlet Witch.

"I'll show you the power of magic!!!"

"NO! Wait, you might-"

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"Hm? What's wrong, Rose?" Ein noticed that his familiar seemed distracted.

Rose waited a moment before replying. "Nothing, I thought I heard a noise, that's all. Sounded just like 'Boom!'"

"Well, I could really use your help with these keys..." Ein had tried over half the keys already, yet the chest was still locked and his arm was aching from fatigue.

"Sod off, Ein. Do I look like I have opposable thumbs?"

And the pair lapse once more into silence...

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